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Michèle O'Reilly was quoted in a recent newspaper article

Teaching gratitude:
Kids learn from parents, and it's not easy

By Mary Beth Faller
Staff Writer
Stamford Advocate
December 1, 2003

For parents of young children, the holiday mantra is, "Now, what do you say?" -- in a voice pleading to hear "thank you."

"Thank you for the gifts. Thank you for the dinner. Thank you for everything you do during this busy holiday season and all year long."

Yeah, right. Instead, they might hear "But I already have that" or "Are there any more presents?" or even "Yuck."

That's because young children don't understand the concept of gratitude.

"Very small children are egocentric developmentally. They don't get it," says Gretchen Fox, a parenting skills coach based in Stamford. "You can't feel devastated if they're not deeply appreciative.

"But that doesn't mean they shouldn't be taught."

And that's a hard job for parents, not only because of the naturally selfish nature of children, but also because our society condones greed.

"Everything in our culture leads us away from gratitude and toward this feeling of never having enough," says Wendy Mogel, a California psychologist and author of "The Blessing of a Skinned Knee: Using Jewish Teachings to Raise Self-Reliant Children" (Scribner, $14). "Not just TV, but product placements, movies and billboards equate happiness with having stuff.

"For parents it's like being a salmon swimming against the tide."

So parents must begin by acknowledging this.

"It's the children's job to lobby for stuff they don't need," Mogel says. "And they're incredibly articulate and they can argue their parents out of anything by age 8.

"You should help children begin to learn the difference between what they want and what they need and not try to reach a consensus on it. No child will say, 'Gee, you're right.' "

So to begin instilling a sense of gratitude, children have to know that they are receiving something that someone else is giving.

"You make them say 'thank you.' For toddlers, it's by rote. But eventually, they will make the connection between saying 'thank you' and receiving something," Fox says.

And parents must set a good example.

"Children learn what they see," says Michele O'Reilly, owner of the Connecticut School of Etiquette in Darien. "Parents who appreciate even the smallest of acts set the stage. They should learn that (gratitude) isn't just for big-ticket items."

Families should instill gratitude on a daily basis, she says. "Being thankful should not be brushed off just for special occasions. It should be every day. Then it becomes a habit."

Mogel turns her Friday night Sabbath dinners into a weekly thanksgiving celebration as everyone at the table discusses what they were thankful for that week. "It keeps you tuned up," she says.

And modeling should extend to more than "please" and "thank you."

"If they see us spending to lift our own mood, we're not teaching gratitude," says Mogel.

At the holidays, parents can attempt to head off potential problems in advance. The key to avoiding embarrassment at Grandma's dinner table or the company holiday party is practice.

"You can role play situations in advance," O'Reilly says. "They can learn what not to say to make someone else feel bad."

So kids will understand the correct response to proffered broccoli is "no, thank you," and not gagging sounds. And every child gets exactly one gift from the office party Santa.

After parroting the correct answer to "What do you say?" thank-you notes are the next step in gratitude training.

"They must be taught early on: 'Before I use it, spend it or break it, I should send a thank-you note,' " O'Reilly says.

Very young children can dictate a note to Mom or Dad. But by age 8, kids should be able to write a note themselves, she says. It can even include artwork.

"A thank-you note is a gift back to the person who gave you something," O'Reilly says. "It should be personal and genuine."

That means hand-written. Computer print-outs are acceptable if the child adds something hand-written, she says. E-mailed thank-yous are better than nothing.

And the notes should say more than "Thank you for the gift and I hope to see you soon."

"If you can't think of something nice to say about the gift, say something nice about the person," she says.

Religion is another source of education about gratitude.

"Every organized religion has all kinds of built-in forms for teaching gratitude," Mogel says. "In traditional Judaism it's a beautiful thing.

"The rabbi commands a hundred blessings every single day. When you wake up in the morning, you thank God for returning your soul to you. There's a blessing when you wear a piece of clothing for the first time or eat a piece of fruit for the first time in its season," she says.

Young people can also learn gratitude through the flip side, by giving.

"You have to teach children generosity, which goes against their nature," Fox says. "But one way to teach gratitude is for them to experience generosity."

For example, let children come with you to the grocery store and pick out items for the local food drive.

"The point is for them to get the concept that some people don't have everything they have," Fox says. "But don't be preachy about it."

"Having things and having economic security is a responsibility to give to others," Mogel says. "Being of service and seeing their parents be of service is a profound way of balancing that."

Are rich kids who have everything less grateful than poor kids? Not necessarily, says Fox. She worked with low-income families in Bridgeport for many years and found many immigrant parents shocked at their children's lack of gratitude.

"The parents came from nothing and struggled to get where they were and they were just enraged -- and hurt -- that their children were so cavalier about what they had done for them," she says.

The only sure-fire way for kids to become grateful individuals is time. "Little kids don't know how that Daddy and Mommy worked really hard," Fox says. "They don't appreciate it until they're parents themselves.

"Then your IQ will go up a lot."

Copyright (c) 2003, Southern Connecticut Newspapers, Inc.