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No one disputes that children should respect their parents, teachers, coaches and adult friends. But should they do so by using traditional titles?

"I believe using an honorific shows respect and defines the relationship as something different from the child's friendships," says Michele O'Reilly, founder and director of the Connecticut School of Etiquette in Darien.

"I recommend teaching children to use honorifics when they are small. It establishes the habit early." Using first names is rarely acceptable, she adds. "But I am not opposed to the use of a title and first name." Recent chats with several area adults reveal philosophical agreement with O'Reilly, an etiquette consultant at the Protocol School of Washington.

Tackle thank-you notes together.
Michèle O'Reilly, owner of the Connecticut School of Etiquette, in Darien, heartily endorses the near-lost art of writing thank-you notes, even for children who are too young to write. "A 4-year-old can tell you what he liked about his present, and you can write the note for him," she says. Another option: Ask him to draw a picture, and let him sign it.

Where opinions vary is in the practical application of traditional rules. They say our increasing casual nature, including the use of first names between generations, does not equal disrespect. What matters is a respectful attitude and good behavior.

Kris Bria, head of school at the Long Ridge School in Stamford, where it is common practice for students, from nursery to fifth grade, to address teachers by first name, agrees.

"We clearly expect children to be respectful with adults and other children," she says, explaining the practice predates her arrival at the school more than 30 years ago. "This is a place where we want children to be comfortable and feel that their teachers are their allies. We want children to feel supported, so we all go by first names."

Adult expectations outside of school with regard to proper address are appreciated as part of a curricular and social effort that teaches respect and consideration and supports self-esteem, says Bria.

"Here, even young children have to be aware that in certain situations, different manners and certain behaviors change."

But respect must always exist and a title doesn't always guarantee that.

"It's similar to a dress code," she says. "Some people feel children are better behaved when they wear a uniform. I feel children should be behaved whether there is a uniform or not. We encourage our children to be respectful of the adults and the children in the community and outside the community."

Parents who commented seem to agree.

"I realize etiquette is not black and white," says O'Reilly. "At the end of the day, what I'm most concerned about is making sure there is a sense of respect, a sense of knowing how the relationship is defined."

Exceptions vary from person to person but all those who spoke say they have given it thought and adopted an approach that works with their families, friends and communities.

"All the moms talk about this," says Debbie Medwar, a Darien mother of a 3-year-old boy. "The consensus seems to be that children should use Mr. and Mrs., but what tends to happen is children don't remember names.

"They call me, 'Michael's mom.' "

Medwar considers her relationship with her babysitter, now a college freshman.

"When I would call her, I would say, 'It's Debbie Medwar' not 'Mrs. Medwar,' which is what she calls me. But I wouldn't care if she called me 'Debbie.' "

Medwar does not believe her babysitter would, in part because she remembers how uncomfortable she felt at that age addressing friends' parents by their first name, even when asked to do so.

"But if she did call me 'Debbie,' I don't think it would be disrespectful."

Katherine Roarty says teaching her two preschool-aged sons to address adults with the proper titles is part of a larger effort to teach them manners.

"I want them to be respectful, treat people with honesty and sensitivity, look people in the eye when they say hello," says the Darien mother, who has another on the way.

That way, she says, when her children get older and an adult gives them permission to address him or her using a first name, they can do so while maintaining a respectful tone.

But using a first name without permission is disrespectful, she adds.

John Myers expects his young son and daughter to address their friends' parents using proper titles. He also expects those children to call him "Mr. Myers."

Children of close relatives and longtime family friends are the exception. He welcomes when those children address him as "John," seeing it not as a sign of disrespect but a continued reflection of an already close relationship.

The Wilton father also acknowledges he often refers to his friends by first name in front of his children and thinks it disingenuous to expect his children to do differently.

Melissa Faucher also refers to close friends by first name in front of her toddler children and recently noticed they sometimes mimic her.

"We have talked about this within the mom groups," adds the Darien mother of two. "We seem to agree that if it's someone they don't know well, or a teacher, it should be Mrs. something."

Faucher is unsure whether other adults should be asking children to address them by first name.

"I certainly don't want my children doing it without permission," she says, recalling being asked to do the same by friends' parents, but remaining uncomfortable doing so, even after reaching adulthood.

Greg Reynolds, a Norwalk father of a 9-year-old boy, hopes his son is comfortably able to address adults by first name once he reaches adulthood.

It is important in professional settings where the use of titles could be misunderstood as an implication of inferiority, he explains.

But for now, he expects his son to address teachers and coaches with titles, even if these people were to ask otherwise.

"If it's a social situation, and the person asked, that would be fine," he says.

Michele O'Reilly, founder and director of the Connecticut School of Etiquette in Darien, offers three tips to parents who wish to teach young children how to use titles when addressing adult acquaintances.

• Help a child remember last names.

"If there is a play date, say to your child, 'We are going to the Thompson house.' Tell them, when they see Mrs. Thompson, to say, 'Hello Mrs. Thompson. Thank you for having me.' Ask them to repeat it to you.

"Communicate your expectations to your child before going to a party, picnic, event where he will be meeting people. "Role play with your child (and) teach your child the importance of standing for introductions, making eye contact, greeting with a friendly voice, when it is appropriate to shake hands."

• Lead by example. When referring to a teacher, coach or friend, avoid using first names.

"I would refer to a friend when talking to a child as, 'Mrs. Smith,' (as in) 'Mrs. Smith is coming to pick you up.' "If you run into someone, introduce them as Mr. and Mrs. last name."

• Teach them what to say if an adult asks to be called by a first name.

"If another adult says, 'Please call me Jim,' that child can say, 'My mom prefers I call you Mr. last name.' "Adults should really go by what the parent of the child prefers."

For information about classes offered at the Connecticut School of Etiquette in Darien, call 256-0040 or visit www.morethanmanners.com.

-- Camilla A. Herrera

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